Rebornne Baby American Baby

5 Common Fears About Fatherhood
Why is your partner is so nervous about becoming a dad?

Introduction

Such a huge life change is thrilling and scary to both prospective parents. While couples share many of the concerns about having children (number one on the list is that the baby be born healthy), men have their own distinct worries.

Much of their concern stems from not having a role model to teach them how to be the father they want to be. Today's dads want to be more involved than their fathers were a generation ago, notes William Pollack, PhD, director of the Center for Men and Young Men at McClean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts. Their fathers may not have spent as much time interacting with a newborn, for example. So jumping into the unknown causes panic.

Here are the five most common fears about fatherhood -- and how to overcome them.

Helplessness in Delivery

Some men have seen the videotapes of women laboring for hours, crying, and gritting their teeth, and they feel helpless about easing their partner's pain.

Susan Fox, a pediatric therapist and author of Rookie Dads (Pocket Books, 2001), says that many fathers have difficulty getting involved in the birthing process. They often feel like the sperm donor and that's it, she notes. After all, it's the wife who's having the baby and whose body is changing.

But it's important for a dad to feel as if he's a participant in the delivery room. Fox encourages all dads to take birthing classes and help their partner develop a birth plan. Talk to whoever is going to be handling the delivery, adds David Krauss, PhD, a clinical psychologist. Whether it's a doctor or a midwife, she can offer guidance and suggest how your partner might expand his role. If a dad can take the active role of "coach," the entire process becomes less scary.

Here are some helpful questions for him to ask:

1. What drugs might my wife get to assist in the birth, how are they administered, and what are their side effects?

2. If my wife requires emergency surgery, such as a cesarean, what's involved?

3. What will be happening with my child immediately after delivery, and how can I be involved?

Readiness for Parenthood

Some dads worry that becoming a parent would be the end of their youth.

Tied in with the fear of becoming a "responsible adult" is the concern that he won't be able to see friends, eat out, or do any of the social things he now enjoys. Your partner may not be able to have fun any time he wants anymore, notes Fox, but the upside is that having a child can mean seeing life and what constitutes a good time in a whole new way. And being a dad doesn't mean that he can never go out with grown-ups again. It just takes more effort and scheduling.

The bottom line is, a baby is not the end of life as you know it. "It can take fathers a long time to realize they can be mature without being old," says Dr. Pollack. When fathers see the possibilities in a new life, they may have a renewed vigor you've never seen in them before.

Baby Care

Baby care is often an alien concept for men, according to Armin Brott, coauthor of The Expectant Father (Abbeville Press, 2001), because most boys aren't raised to be caregivers. In general, boys don't have the experience that girls might get, he says.

Society perpetuates the stereotype that women are better at rearing children. And the media reinforces the idea that men know next to nothing about parenting. Turn on any TV sitcom and the fathers are portrayed as absolute buffoons. Sitcom dads are treated like another kid in the family. They're caring and loving but totally incompetent.

Fox recommends that expectant dads get some baby-handling practice. Visit a male friend or relative who has a baby and get your partner involved in the whole process. Have your friend show him how to pick up the baby, put him down, change his diaper, give him a bottle. You can get him a good baby book that offers a crash course in baby care -- and a boost of self-confidence.

Pets are good preparation, too. Your partner has to work out the caretaking with you -- the feeding, the walking or changing the litter box, trips to the vet. It's a good boot camp for the much greater demands of having a baby.

The reality is that many of the basics of child care are relatively simple, and expertise comes with everyday practice.

Your Relationship

Experts say a baby can make a good marriage better and a bad marriage worse. Both partners are usually focused on this new, demanding creature in their lives, and that can be stressful. Men can feel neglected, explains Brott. There's all this focus on the baby, and your relationship gets put on hold. Because the woman often takes care of many of the child's needs, the man may feel left out and even jealous of the baby.

Couples need to schedule time for themselves, says Dr. Krauss -- and focus on what they liked and did before. And though it may seem less than romantic to schedule a sex life, you and your partner may not have one if you don't pencil it in.

Money

Finances can be a big concern for soon-to-be fathers. Even if your family has health insurance, there are still significant costs that come with having a baby: diapers, food, child care, braces, bicycles, allowances, and college.

James Fritz Schafer, a certified financial planner in Cincinnati, agrees that taking control of things now will ease the anxiety. He offers these tips:

Make a budget and live with it. Write down what your income and expenses are. Determine the mandatory costs and the ones you can do without. Time is in your favor for big-budget expenses such as college, and you can accrue money with savings options, including stocks, bonds, or a money market account.

Consider home equity. If your bills mount, especially credit card debt, you might consider refinancing your home. Home equity loans usually charge a lower interest rate than credit cards and are tax deductible.

Get life insurance. If you're suddenly not there to take care of your family, you will want to provide them with this means of financial support. A 20-year term life insurance policy for $500,000 can cost as little as $200 to $300 a year, Schafer says.

A Guide for Expectant Dads
A mom tells you what to expect in the coming months.

Author Nancy Robison knows firsthand what new parents go through, and she shares her experiences in her book just for fathers. In Dear Son: About Your Baby, she provides a roadmap for new Dads. Here's what to expect in the near future!

What is expected of you
Your dear wife, the mother of your child, is probably glowing right now with the good news.

Then, in a few weeks, she may feel a little sick in the mornings and unable to look at food. That means it's up to you to feed yourself. Remember what you learned in Survival 101? Well, it will come in handy now. And be patient with her. Be flexible. Go with the flow. It is miserable to feel nauseous all the time.

But it only lasts a couple of weeks: Her eating quirks will change and she may want to eat everything in sight -- and every half hour -- followed by stopping in the bathroom every 10 minutes. If she loved chicken before and hates it now, be understanding. Now she can't get enough California rolls. (It used to be pickles, now it's sushi!) Funny how that goes, but you, again, will have to be patient and understanding. Love her. Don't forget why you got married. She's a great companion and friend, and now she's going to be the mother of your child. And you will both try to keep your sense of humor and not let any of the little upsetting things send you off balance.

Oh, and by the way, just because she may start eating for two doesn't mean you need to keep her company. No midnight snacks for you! You are no longer a growing boy, and extra weight now, my dear, is going to look like love handles on you. She's the one who's pregnant, not you!

Life will go along normally for a while. Then, after being tired for weeks, she will suddenly have unbounded energy and start cleaning floors, ceilings, closets. This is part of the nesting instinct.

And this may be a good time to take her on a romantic weekend. Pamper her (it may be your last chance for a while). After baby comes, life changes, whether you want it to or not. You may say, "Oh, this baby is not going to change our lifestyle." Actually, you can say it, but your lifestyle can't help but change. That is, if you are a conscientious parent. Sure, you can still go hiking and skiing, but now on your back will be a 20-pound package. That's a change!

Your wife won't show for several months (pooch out, that is). But then your lovely wife will not be feeling very lovely or pretty. At times she will be awkward, a little helpless and off-balance. She may do some complaining -- can't sleep, can't get enough exercise, etc.

Try to help her when you can. Remember, this baby started with love, and he or she needs to be loved every day.

Imagine how you would feel carrying around an extra eight or ten moving pounds in your stomach! (Try carrying a five-pound sack of flour around with you all day. See how you like it.)

Take her for walks. Cheer her up. Help her to think about something besides what is going on inside her. Get her an extra pillow or two for more comfortable sleeping. Remember, she can't turn over very well and needs the support under her stomach.

And there's more you can do. She will want you to paint and decorate the spare room, or clear out the space in your bedroom or closet, or wherever, to make room for Junior. Don't grumble. This is part of growing up, my dear. But you know that you are looking forward to this event just as much as the rest of us. Just look a few years ahead to a brand-new Little Leaguer or maybe a little ballerina in a pink tutu.

Before painting any room for baby, be sure to use nontoxic products and ventilate the room well for at least six weeks to allow any fumes to release and leave. Make baby's environment clean, new, beautiful, and safe.

A mom tells you what to expect in the coming months.

Author Nancy Robison knows firsthand what new parents go through, and she shares her experiences in her book just for fathers. In Dear Son: About Your Baby, she provides a roadmap for new Dads. Here's what to expect in the near future!

What is expected of you
Your dear wife, the mother of your child, is probably glowing right now with the good news.

Life will go along normally for a while. Then, after being tired for weeks, she will suddenly have unbounded energy and start cleaning floors, ceilings, closets. This is part of the nesting instinct.

Try to help her when you can. Remember, this baby started with love, and he or she needs to be loved every day.

Imagine how you would feel carrying around an extra eight or ten moving pounds in your stomach! (Try carrying a five-pound sack of flour around with you all day. See how you like it.)

How Many Kids Do You Want?
One? Two? Five? Learn the pros and cons of having more kids.

Introduction

How do couples decide whether they want the peaceful pace of just one child, the noisy bustle of six children, or something in between? Careers, finances, and family backgrounds all come into play when couples make choices about family size. So do the ages at which they marry and give birth to their first child. Finally, fate, too, lends a helping hand in shaping families, says Kathleen Gerson, PhD, author of Hard Choices: How Women Decide About Work, Career, and Motherhood (University of California Press, 1985). She reports that American women are, for the most part, choosing to have fewer children than their own mothers did as they combine motherhood and work. Still, says Gerson, for most people, life unfolds in unexpected ways, so we don't always end up with the families we planned. Here's a look at the challenges and advantages of different family sizes to help you make the best decision for yours.

One Child

Given the expense of raising a child in our society today, having one child opens up a world of options. It allows some parents to afford the best for their child -- from the best day-care center to the best universities. Parents of only children also love that having one child prevents them from being pulled in so many directions at one time. It allows for more one-on-one time and a bit more flexibility in being able to do things on a whim. Some parents have issues about not giving their child a brother or sister, but others don't want to trade the benefits of having only one child just to give their little one a playmate. That's what friends are for!

Fact: 17 percent of U.S. families have one child.

Pros: With just one child, you have more time -- to interact, to teach, to expose him to interesting experiences. Because onlies spend more time with their parents, they tend to identify more easily with their parents' goals and values. As a result, only children have a slight edge when it comes to motivation and actual achievement, says Susan Newman, PhD, author of Parenting an Only Child (Broadway Books, 2001).

Cons: There's a downside to all that parental attention. Only children may feel pressure to succeed. They're very aware of the fact that they're the only one bringing home a report card or trying out for the tennis team -- and if they don't do well, you'll be disappointed, says Newman. But the biggest concern for parents of onlies is that their child will be alone in the world once they die. A related concern is that as parents get older, their child won't have a sibling to help share the care and make decisions.

What to do: There are many ways parents can build a support system so that their child is part of a larger network, whether it's aunts and cousins or friends. As your child gets older, you'll see that there will be people to help when he needs it, even if you're not there, Newman says. Finally, parents need to take extra caution so they don't live out their dreams through their child or have unrealistic expectations.

Two Children

There's a reason why two children is the conventional choice among so many American families. For one thing, 55 percent of all mothers with infants are working, and working moms soon discover that balancing motherhood with a career becomes increasingly difficult -- and expensive -- with each child. However, it's not just the expense of day care that's so daunting for American families, but the fact that working around half-day kindergarten schedules, school holidays, and children's illnesses isn't just a balancing act but a three-ring circus.

Fact: 35 percent of U.S. families have two children.

Pros: Kids have built-in playmates. Learning to cope with the daily onslaught of another person teaches siblings to share, wait their turn, and deal with their anger, says Meri Wallace, author of Birth Order Blues (Owl Books, 1999). This takes the pressure off parents to teach these skills. And in families where there are two parents for two kids, it's still possible to give each child lots of individual attention.

Cons: Sibling rivalry can be very intense in families of two children, especially if the kids are the same gender, says Newman. If they have more than two kids, many parents stop mediating disputes because they just don't have the time, but with just two, you could constantly find yourself playing referee.

What to do: Unless the kids are hurting each other, don't get involved in their fights. Once sibling spats don't result in extra attention, they become less frequent. Avoiding comparisons and treating each child as an individual may also lessen sibling rivalry.

Three Children

It's a widely cited disadvantage to parents when they have that third child -- the kids are now outnumbering the adults! But that's not enough to stop some families from adding a third. Many couples aren't ready to give up the baby clothes, strollers, and cribs after just two. And if a couple were just wishing for at least one boy and one girl, and the first two were the same gender, they often decide to try again and have a third.

But be aware: the American family is based upon two children. Having a third can introduce a few complications. A table for four at a restaurant may be no problem, but finding one for five can be a hassle. And the average house may start to feel a little cramped with a fifth member of the family.

Fact: 20 percent of U.S. families have three kids.

Pros: The bigger the family, the more likely it is that children will be given chores and asked to follow household rules, which teaches them responsibility. Since parents have less time to solve conflicts, kids tend to work things out on their own.

Cons: The more children you have, the easier it is for one to be overlooked, says Newman. It's often the child who's most easygoing and adaptable that gets lost in the shuffle. And "middle child syndrome" is a real phenomenon. The older child is always doing something new, and the baby needs lots of attention. The middle child can often get overlooked, cautions Wallace. It can also be difficult to spend time with multiple kids.

What to do: Make sure that each child gets some one-on-one time every week. It doesn't have to be anything special. Everyday activities like grocery shopping provide an easy opportunity to connect.

Four or More Children

The majority of families with four or more children didn't set out to have that many. Some of these families ended up with a fourth child by accident. Others were still trying to have that first boy (or girl) that they had always wanted. But some people set out to have large families. No matter how many kids you have, you love them so much that your heart just keeps getting bigger with each child.

One challenge that big families face is the financial one. It's easy to continually recycle books, clothes, and toys, but what about college tuition?

Fact: 15 percent of U.S. families have four or more kids.

Pros: All of the pros (and cons) of having three kids increase exponentially as you add siblings. Some of the advantages are that older kids get the opportunity to nurture younger ones; little kids learn a lot from the big kids. The more kids you have, the more experiences the family participates in, says Wallace. One may be into sports, another may be into music. It can make your family very rich.

Cons: It can be hard for each child to carve out a unique identity in a family with multiple siblings, says Wallace. Plus, sharing parents, toys, and space is hard and only gets harder with each additional child. The sheer exhaustion of meeting such diverse needs can take its toll on parents.

What to do: It's not easy, but it's important to spend time alone with each child. You might think about opting out of the carpool sometimes -- the drive back and forth to kids' activities is often a good time to talk.

*NOTE: Numbers don't add up to 100 percent because 13 percent of women of childbearing age don't have any children.

Should You See a Genetic Counselor?
How an expert can unlock the mystery of your gene pool.

What Is a Genetic Counselor?

Genetic counseling. It's a term most of us are pretty unfamiliar with. But if you're pregnant -- or planning to be -- it's something you might want to learn more about. According to the March of Dimes, there are more than 13,000 known single inherited gene disorders and an estimated 150,000 babies born with birth defects in the U.S. each year. Part scientist, part therapist, a genetic counselor helps determine if you or your spouse carries one or more of these genes and whether or not your baby will inherit them, or potentially become sick from them.

Many people have no idea they carry recessive genes for certain conditions, because neither they nor any family members they know of ever had such an illness. If there's a possibility that your child will be born with a health problem, a genetic counselor provides you with the information and support you need to make the right decisions for your family, says Vivian Weinblatt, a Philadelphia-based genetics counselor and past president of the National Society of Genetic Counselors.

Who Should See One

If you or your spouse is descended from certain ethnic groups, it may be a good idea for you to see a genetic counselor, says Renee Chard, a genetic counselor at Maine Medical Center in Portland. In fact, most ethnic and racial populations run a high risk for certain genetic diseases and conditions. Jews of Eastern European descent, for instance, have a greater chance of passing on eight genetic diseases, including Tay-Sachs, a fatal disease of the central nervous system, and Canavan, a brain disease. People of European descent are more prone to having children with spina bifida and cystic fibrosis. In fact, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists now recommend testing for all Caucasian women thinking about pregnancy.

Most obstetricians give a routine screening questionnaire to all pregnant patients to determine counseling candidates. Your doctor may also ask you a series of questions about your health background and that of your partner and his family. For example, he may want to know if any children in your family died of unknown causes. If the doctor determines you need counseling, he'll refer you to a counselor; their services are usually covered by insurance. You can also find a counselor at your local hospital, the local department of public health, or through the National Society of Genetic Counselors (nsgc.org).

Also, the older you are when you become pregnant, the more likely you are to require genetic counseling. Mothers-to-be over the age of 35 are more likely to have babies with Down syndrome and other chromosomal abnormalities, a risk that continually increases with age. If you're 35 or older, during your first trimester you may be offered chorionic villus sampling (CVS), which can determine if there are abnormalities or defects as early as your eighth week. During a CVS test, the doctor collects a sample of placental cells and then has them analyzed by a lab. Between 15 and 18 weeks, you may also be offered amniocentesis, for chromosomal analysis and to detect a neural tube defect such as spina bifida. A genetic counselor will help you and your family decide on a plan of action that's right for you.

There are other reasons that a couple might want to speak with a genetic counselor. Some couples receive genetic counseling because their doctor sees something on an ultrasound that indicates a problem. The underdevelopment of organs -- indicating a genetic disease -- can be visible in an ultrasound as early as the eighth week of pregnancy. Other couples fear that past exposure to certain medications, pesticides, and chemicals may put their baby at higher risk.

The Visit

If you've decided to visit a genetic counselor, it's best to go before you even get pregnant. This will give you more time to make decisions. Some test results after conception can take weeks; if you're pregnant and hear bad news, you may already be so attached to the baby that making a decision is even more heart-wrenching than it would have been earlier. Early counseling also gives you the opportunity to explore other childbearing options. If a couple finds out that they're both cystic fibrosis carriers, they may not want to risk having a child with the disease, so they might choose another route, such as adoption or using a donor egg or donor sperm.

If you have a session scheduled, do some homework first, suggests Allison Gregory, a genetic counselor at Cedars-Sinai Prenatal Diagnosis Center in Los Angeles. Find out as much as you can about your family's medical history, she suggests. Ask if anyone was born with birth defects, diseases, or mental retardation, or had babies who died.

Typically, you'll see a counselor for one or two sessions, depending on your test results. During your first appointment, she'll take a detailed family medical history and construct a family tree. She'll also ask questions about any previous pregnancies and exposure to certain medications or drugs that could be harmful to a newborn baby. Then she assesses the information to see if there are any health problems you could pass on to your child and decides on the appropriate testing.

If you're already pregnant, you and your spouse will give blood samples, which are then tested for the diseases you may potentially carry. When the results come in, your counselor will contact you to discuss them. If the tests show that you're both carriers for certain diseases, you'll be offered testing, such as amniocentesis. When those results come back, the counselor will interpret them for you, outlining how the child will most likely be affected and what you can expect if you decide to continue or terminate the pregnancy. Some of these diseases may be fatal in childhood. Others, such as cystic fibrosis, may respond to groundbreaking gene therapy treatment, fetal surgery, or postnatal treatment. The ultimate goal is to come up with a plan that honors the family's wishes and carefully considers the health of mother and child, says Chard.

What's Sperm Got to Do with It?
The male reproductive system and its role in conception.

The Male Reproductive System

The journey that ends in the fertilization of a female egg generally begins about three months in advance, when primitive sperm cells form in the man's testicles. The typical man will produce 50,000 sperm cells each minute from the time he reaches puberty until he is well into his 70s.

After dividing several times, the sperm move into the epididymis, a thin, tightly coiled tube behind the testicles. Here, over the next two to 12 days, they learn to swim and complete the maturation process.

The mature sperm then enter the vas deferens, an ultrathin, muscular tube that conveys them to the ejaculatory duct. Together with the epididymis, the vas deferens stores an estimated 700 million sperm at any given time. When a man ejaculates, sperm and ejaculatory fluid are propelled into the urethra, where they combine with nutrients, fluids, and enzymes from the seminal vesicles and prostate gland to form semen.

As soon as the semen has been ejaculated into the women's vagina, the sperm begin their frantic rush to fertilize the egg. Moving at a rate of approximately one inch per hour, it takes them six to eight hours to reach their target.

Once they arrive at the egg, the head of the fastest sperm dissolves, releasing an enzyme that creates a tiny hole in the egg's outer wall. Frantically whipping its tail, the sperm winnows its way inside as, simultaneously, the egg's outer wall transforms into a substance that is impenetrable to other sperm. Fertilization has occurred.

Male Fertility Factors

The complex process leading to the production of sperm and the fertilization of the egg doesn't always run smoothly -- in fact, approximately one-third of diagnosed infertility problems are attributed to the male. The most common factors are azoospermia (no sperm are produced) and oligospermia (few sperm are produced). Sometimes sperm are malformed or die before they reach the egg. Failure to ejaculate or, in rare cases, chromosomal abnormalities can also lead to male fertility problems.

Men who have a history of the following issues may be more likely to experience infertility, and should see a urologist if their partners do not become pregnant within 12 months (six months if the female partner is over 35):

Mumps after puberty

Hernia repairs

Injuries to the groin

Undescended testicles

Sexually transmitted diseases

Urinary tract infections

Prostatitis

Impotence or ejaculatory problems

Excessive smoking, drinking, or drug use

Use of certain prescription drugs, such as antidepressants

Varicocele

5 Ways to Maximize Male Fertility

If there are no serious medical issues, the following tips can help maximize the production of healthy sperm.

1. Keep the testicles cool -- high temperatures inhibit sperm production. Wear loose pants and underwear, and stay out of hot tubs.

2. Ejaculate at least twice a week, through intercourse or masturbation, in order to replenish the supply of healthy sperm.

3. Have the testicles checked for a varicocele (varicose vein), which can affect the production of both sperm and the hormone testosterone. This can be corrected with surgery.

4. If impotence or ejaculatory dysfunction is a problem, see a therapist to determine whether the source might be psychological. There are drugs (most notably Viagra) that address this issue; in many cases, Intra Uterine Insemination (IUI) may be a simple solution.

5. If you regularly take prescription medicines (such as antidepressants or treatments for Crohn's disease or high blood pressure), inform your doctor that you are attempting to father a child. You may need to alter or temporarily discontinue your medication.

Sources: American Society for Reproductive Medicine, www.asrm.org; RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, www.resolve.org; Berger, Gary, and Goldstein, Marc, The Couple's Guide to Fertility (Broadway Books, 2001)

American Society for Reproductive Medicine
National Infertility Association

When One Partner Isn't Ready
What if only one of you is ready to become a parent?
Introduction

Maybe you never talked about having a baby. Or you said that you wanted kids -- sometime. You might even have agreed to have your first child at 25 (or 30, or 35). But now one of you is ready to move ahead -- and the other isn't so sure.

Ambivalence about making the leap into parenthood is extremely common, according to Austin E. Galvin, CSW, a New York-based psychoanalyst whose practice includes many couples "on the brink." According to Galvin, the first question to ask isn't "Why worry?" but "What's your hurry?"

Galvin notes that when one partner is suddenly desperate for a baby, it may have more to do with the marriage than with the desire to be a parent. He suggests that maybe the desperate partner is hoping to solidify a shaky relationship by drawing his or her spouse in more deeply. Maybe on some level, there's a hope that the baby will provide a level of trust, or intimacy, that's currently lacking in the marriage, he suggests.

On the other hand, if the baby was planned and one spouse suddenly starts throwing up roadblocks, there could be childhood issues at stake. Galvin notes that the resistant partner may need to work through unresolved feelings about his or her own parents.

So how can you figure out what's really going on, and decide on the next steps?

Identifying the Problem

According to Galvin, concerns like finances and whether the house is big enough are usually not the core issues. Lack of time, lack of money, and other external barriers are almost always fabricated resistances, he says. Galvin suggests that the person voicing the concerns needs to break through to an understanding of the real, internal resistance.

While he recommends talking things through as the best way to identify the problem, Galvin doesn't necessarily think couples should approach every issue together. He recommends that the resistant partner needs his or her own, safe, objective sounding board, whether a therapist or a nonjudgmental friend. Sometimes one or two productive sessions are enough to get to the root of the problem and start clearing the ground to move forward, he says.

In addition to historical issues, the ambivalent partner may be questioning his or her own ability to remain in the relationship, and/or to parent a child. A baby makes things real for people in a way that can be very overwhelming, Galvin notes. More than any other decision in life, a child -- and the person you have that child with -- is forever, he continues.

Finding Solutions

When a couple with one ambivalent partner comes to Galvin, he asks them to talk about the feelings and incidents that led to their current dilemma. "Even if they agreed in the past to have a child, either partner can change the rules, he says. But he recommends that it's important to understand what's at stake, and really make them responsible for their decision and its consequences.

Galvin says that he asks each of them, "How important is this? Are you willing to give up this man or woman over this issue?" Unless the relationship is in serious trouble, they always say no, he says, and once they've strengthened their commitment to being together, they're able to negotiate a solution.

According to Galvin, in many cases, the best solution is to keep working through the ambivalence -- which can be a lengthy process -- while at the same time trying to conceive. He also points out that the most resistant spouses often become doting parents. He's had clients who felt extreme anxiety throughout the nine months of pregnancy. But he says he's never had anyone hold their baby in their arms and then come back and tell him it was a mistake.

If You're Thinking of Becoming a Single Mom
The benefits -- and the challenges -- of single motherhood.

Why Be a Single Mom?

In a perfect world, all babies would be born to mature, loving, solvent couples who wanted them desperately, and who had every resource in the world to care for them. Life isn't always this simple, however. Whether you've become pregnant by a partner who isn't going to help you raise the baby, or you're considering having or adopting a child on your own, it's important to remember that millions of healthy, well-adjusted children have grown up in single-parent homes.

If you choose to become a single mother, you'll have plenty of company: Cleopatra, Maya Angelou, Ingrid Bergman, Jodie Foster, Rosie O'Donnell, and Elizabeth Taylor are just a few of the high-profile women who have raised (or are raising) children on their own. To say nothing of Bill Clinton's mom, Sophia Loren's mom, John Lennon's mom -- you get the idea. In fact, current statistics place the number of children being born to single-parent households in this country as anywhere from 34 to nearly 50 percent.

This is not to say that it's going to be easy. Which is why the No. 1 piece of advice offered by experienced single moms is: Get support. Lots of support. The less money you have, the more support you'll need. If it took Hillary Clinton a village to raise a child, it's going to take you the city of San Francisco.

Consider Your Options

There are two ways to become a single parent: through conception or adoption. Within these basic categories, there are a number of options to consider.

Conception can occur through sex with a partner, insemination by a known donor, or insemination by an unknown donor.

Adoption can occur independently or through an agency; can be open (you and your child remain in touch with the biological parents) or closed; and can happen in the United States or abroad. You can choose to adopt an infant or an older child, with or without special needs.

Each of these options has pros and cons. If you're unsure of the direction you wish to take, talk with other women who have made the choice through support organizations like Single Mothers by Choice (www.singlemothersbychoice.com).

Special Issues

Once you've decided to move ahead, you'll have a host of special issues to deal with as a single mom-to-be. These include:

Telling people

Dealing with complications during pregnancy

Choosing your support team for prenatal visits, labor, and postpartum

Deciding what to put on the birth certificate

Telling the father (if appropriate)

Planning financial support

Understanding legal issues of adoption and single parenthood

Some of these issues will affect you, while others may not. As one single mom put it, "Everything I expected to be a problem -- loneliness, fear of giving birth, the belief that I'd never date again -- turned out to be no sweat. But things I never considered -- like getting laid off when I was five months pregnant with practically no money in the bank -- hit me like a Mack truck."

Still, the same mom adds, "My daughter is the most precious gift I have ever received. I would do it all again in a moment."

Resources
Web sites
www.singlemothersbychoice.com -- General help and support

www.adoption.com -- A good first stop for potential adoptive parents. Also check out www.adoption.org.

www.hellobaby.com -- The Web site of Pacific Reproductive Services, a leading sperm bank. Contains good general information on donor insemination.

www.surrogacy.com/online_support/pvsd/ -- An online discussion group for people attempting to become parents through sperm donation.

Books
Single Mothers by Choice, by Jane Mattes (Times Books, 1997) -- Geared to women in their mid 30s or older who are considering adoption or insemination.

Adopting on Your Own: The Complete Guide to Adopting as a Single Parent, by Lee Varon (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2000) -- Comprehensive, thoughtful, and empowering. It's highly recommended.

Helping the Stork: The Choices and Challenges of Donor Insemination, by Carol Frost Vercollone (Hungry Minds, 1997) -- Geared to couples with fertility problems, but still the best source of information on donor insemination.

The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook: Creating and Raising Our Families, by April Martin (HarperPerennial, 1993) -- A classic for gay parents, both single and attached.

Your should know:

The information on this Web site is designed for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your pediatrician or family doctor. Please consult a doctor with any questions or concerns you might have regarding your or your child's condition.