features
The
Sex Life of New Moms
Your sex life
may never be the same again--it'll be better!
The common wisdom
is that sex makes little babies and babies make for little sex. However,
there's an astonishing flip side to this story, and it's one you rarely
hear. Before parenthood, couples often think sex gives meaning to
the rest of their relationship, says Elisa Morgan, president of Mothers
of Preschoolers International and coauthor of Children Change a Marriage
(Zondervan, 1999). But the truth is that many women report that their
sex lives are better after they become mothers.
Better sex after motherhood? Who knew? Lots of women, it turns out.
Simply sharing the experiences of parenting makes it possible for
couples to discover new reasons to desire each other. Many women say
that they feel an incredible new respect and love for the father of
their children.
And surprisingly,
there are many physical changes postpregnancy that may make your sex
life better than ever, too. Sensory experiences after childbirth can
be more intense, says sex therapist Sallie Foley, coauthor of Sex
Matters for Women (Guilford Press, 2001). Certain women enjoy the
additional sensitivity of their engorged breasts while they're nursing,
she notes, while others claim that although orgasms may take longer
to achieve due to fatigue, the sensations can be more physically profound.
Cheri Van Hoover,
an assistant clinical professor of nursing at the University of California,
San Francisco, School of Medicine, speculates that increased blood
flow during pregnancy increases pelvic congestion of the vaginal area
and engorges the genitals--perhaps permanently enlarging blood vessels
and making the genital area more sensitive to stimulation.
Rediscovering
your sexuality after motherhood provides fresh opportunities to deepen
your understanding of yourself as a sensual being and to explore new
levels of intimacy with your partner. Read on for some tried-and-true
tips to get you feeling sensual and sexy again.
Love Your New
Body
Stretched out, flabby, and fatigued is how many women would describe
their bodies after childbirth. The added pounds and downright messiness
of new motherhood leave many women feeling so unattractive that they're
uncomfortable with the idea of merely taking off their clothes, never
mind letting someone else touch their body. So how do you go from
feeling like a baby factory to feeling like a sex goddess? Here are
a few tips.
1. Don't compare
yourself to Cindy Crawford. Or any other celebrity mom with a nanny
and a full-time personal trainer for that matter. If you can accept
your body just as it is, you may discover that sexuality is less about
slinky dresses and more about having a powerful body that can do wonderful
things, says Cathy Winks, coauthor of The Mother's Guide to Sex (Three
Rivers Press, 2001).
Making this mental
transformation takes time, because it flies in the face of the current
societal ideal of women whose lips are bigger than their hips. But
you can do it, especially if you look at other women in the mall,
in the gym, and at the beach. The reality is that the average woman
is a size 14, says Morgan, and that reality can be clear to you if
you just open your eyes.
2. Put together
an exercise program. Find one that's compatible with your new postpregnancy
regime. Don't do this because you want to lose weight (though you
might), but because regular exercise will boost your energy, confidence,
and sexual health. As Foley points out, exercising is the closest
thing we have to a fountain of youth. It helps our bodies maintain
nutritional and hormonal balance. And it boosts our mood because it
releases feel-good chemicals in the brain.
In fact, the
sexual benefits of exercise may be as potent as the fat-burning ones.
For instance, the physical flexibility that results from exercising
also contributes greatly to the comfort and pleasure of sex with a
partner, especially if you want to try more adventurous positions.
3. Believe your
partner when he says you're sexy. Women are more likely than men to
buy into the idea that skinny and young is the only way to be sexy,
observes Foley. But the truth is that most men respond visually to
a wide range of women. The majority of new dads will tell you that
they found their wife as beautiful on the day they got home from the
hospital as on the day they were married.
4. Take yourself
for a test drive. To really understand and reinhabit your postpartum
body, you should find some time for yourself in the bedroom, says
Foley. Try undressing and touching your body all over. Use a hand
mirror and your fingers to find out what feels overly sensitive to
the touch and what feels good. Taking this little bit of time alone--even
just for two minutes a day--will help you return to your body after
this momentous event. This sort of private time is crucial to rediscovering
your sexuality after motherhood, says Winks, because then you can
show your partner how and where you enjoy being touched now. In fact,
she goes one step further, suggesting that every new mom needs to
figure out what makes her feel good before resuming sex.
Overcome Discomforts
No matter how smooth your childbirth experience or how cheerily your
health-care provider gives you the green light for sex at your six-week
checkup, you may find sex uncomfortable.
Pain: Some women
experience pain as a result of scar tissue, which can make them approach
lovemaking with a lot of trepidation. Even if your episiotomy has
healed, your genitals may still feel bruised and sore, and your perineum
can continue to feel tender for anywhere from three months to a year,
says Van Hoover. Or, if you've had a cesarean section, your abdominal
wound may still be tender for several months.
Before resuming
intercourse, talk to your partner about your concerns. He certainly
won't want sex to be painful for you, and he'll be more willing to
explore different methods of pleasure if he's aware of how you feel.
Start your new sex life by experimenting with fingers and sex toys.
When you do make love, use positions that put you more in control
of the angle, speed, and depth of penetration, Van Hoover suggests.
Yes, it's scary that first time, but it probably won't hurt as much
as you think it will. Plus, by slowly, gently stretching the vaginal
area through sex play and intercourse, you're actually helping your
tissues resume their previously supple state.
Vaginal dryness:
New moms may experience an increase in vaginal dryness--especially
if they're breastfeeding. Nursing suppresses your ovarian estrogen
production, and such decreases can make you drier. Always keep a lubricant
by your bedside and, when you begin having sex again, make sure to
use lots of it!
Breast leakage:
There's a good chance that when a breastfeeding mom gets excited during
a sexual encounter, her breasts will leak. This can make some moms
feel more like a walking cow than an object of lust. Try wearing a
nursing bra during sex for the first few months. Eventually, your
letdown reflex won't be triggered quite so easily and sex will become
less messy. On the other hand, your sex life will make a stellar comeback
sooner if you accept the idea that sex is messy and that leaking milk
is actually a good sign. Experts note that a woman's milk letdown
reflex is a result of increases in oxytocin, the hormone associated
with warm, loving thoughts. In other words, leaking milk during sexual
activities is a good sign that you're enjoying yourself.
Communicate with
Your Partner
Probably the toughest sex act is the verbal one, especially for new
parents who have little private time. But talking about sex after
you've had a baby is almost as important as doing it. You and your
partner will both benefit from honest discussions about how having
a child has changed your sexual needs and expectations. Don't forget
that your partner probably has as many issues surrounding your brand-new
sex life as you do, Winks points out.
For instance,
your partner might have trouble adjusting to the idea that his lover
is now a mother, or feel jealous of that little person who dominates
not just your time, but also your heart. Both of you will need to
summon all of your self-awareness and communication skills in order
to avoid falling into ruts or developing resentment, Winks explains.
A good way to
approach even the most intimate conversations about sex, says Foley,
is to make open-ended statements and ask your partner to share his
feelings about the same topics. Some examples include:
"My most
exciting sexual moment with you was..."
"The part of my body that I feel most self-conscious about is..."
"The thing about sex that I'm most uncomfortable with is..."
"My favorite part of making love to you is..."
If you find these kinds of topics too tricky to discuss, write the
answers on a piece of paper and then swap them.
If you do get into a thorny discussion about your sexuality--let's
say you're feeling too flabby to take off your nightgown--be clear
and direct. Use "I" statements, says Winks--such as, "I
feel so unattractive with this extra weight"--rather than defensive
or accusatory words. Then be prepared to compromise, by offering to
light a candle or wear a more revealing nightgown, for instance.
Most important,
go into these talks with a generous spirit, advises Winks. Just as
you have every right to your sexual feelings, so does your partner.
Seeing the situation from the other person's point of view will help
you approach any discussion with more understanding.
Embrace Your
New Sex Life
There are obvious steps you can take to fan your desire, like banishing
the baby from your bedroom, but it's the little kindnesses that really
count, says Morgan, like when you remember to stop at your husband's
favorite bakery on the way home from work. But all the flowers and
compliments in the world won't enhance your sex life if you don't
make time for it.
Schedule sex
on your calendar, just as you would any other important date. That
spontaneous, lusty, do-me-on-the-living-room-floor sex you enjoyed
before parenthood is probably something that will be relegated to
vacations. Plus, anyone with a small child knows that by the time
the kids are in bed, the dishes are done, and the two of you are finally
alone, sleep often wins out over sex. So get creative. Jump in the
shower together for a morning quickie if the baby's happy in his playpen,
schedule weekend sex during baby's nap time, or talk to a neighbor
who might be willing to feed your toddler dinner on Wednesday nights
if you take hers on Thursdays.
And after you
do all this footwork and scheduling to make your sex life a priority,
don't disappoint yourself by comparing it to what it was pre-baby.
Don't think of this as a loss of adventure and spontaneity, but as
an opportunity to reinvent your sexual partnership.
Once you let
go of the idea that sex should follow your old routine, you'll find
that it's about a lot more than just intercourse. To emphasize this,
Winks suggests exploring other ways to express yourself physically.
Try massage, taking bubble baths together, and even re-creating those
high school make-out sessions in which you kept your clothes on. The
more new sexual roads you travel together, the more your feelings
about your body will evolve and your attitudes will shift, says Winks.
Your experience of sexual pleasure will be in a continual state of
flux. But your right to pleasure is constant, and no one can assert
that right as well as you can.
Your
should know:
The
information on this Web site is designed for educational purposes
only. It is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical
advice or care. You should not use this information to diagnose
or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your
pediatrician or family doctor. Please consult a doctor with any
questions or concerns you might have regarding your or your child's
condition.
Rebornne Baby. American Baby
