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Expert Advice on Sex During and After Pregnancy
Expert answers about the sex lives of moms and moms-to-be.

Now that I'm pregnant, I'm having such intense sexual dreams that I even orgasm in my sleep! In makes me feel like some sort of pervert. What is happening to my mind?

Whatever happens to your body is bound to affect your mind. In this case, your pregnancy is revving you up sexually: As your hormone levels surge and blood flow increases, your mind goes into overdrive.

It's not unusual for someone to have really vivid dreams when they're expecting, says therapist Raina M. Paris, author of The Mother-to-Be's Dream Book (Warner Books, 2000), since dreams are a way for the subconscious to unleash emotions we keep pent up during civilized daytime hours. To top things off, your pregnancy may cause you to sleep more often and more deeply in the first trimester, then more fitfully later on because you're physically uncomfortable. These changes mean you spend more time in the REM phase of sleep, in which dreams occur.

Through her research, Paris has found that the content of sexual dreams reported by pregnant women follows certain patterns. In your first trimester, for instance, those dreams may star ex-lovers. Having a baby is a big life change, so you're trying to put past issues to rest, Paris explains. Second trimester dreams, on the other hand, often reflect a newly found sense of power as a result of the realization that they're creating life. That sense of sexual prowess, coupled with enhanced blood flow to the genitals and extra breast sensitivity, may be what's pushing you over the edge into orgasm during dreams that would have been only mildly erotic if you weren't pregnant. Finally, third trimester anxieties about birth and the changes in your body may cause you to have wild sexy dreams as a way for your subconscious to reassure you that you're still sexy, says Paris. So don't feel self-conscious about these dreams--enjoy them while they last!

I've been married for six months to a man who divorced his first wife. Recently I found out I'm pregnant, and I'm so sick, I can't even think about having sex. Meanwhile, my husband keeps telling me how horny his first wife was when she was pregnant with their son and how he can't believe I'm not chasing him around the bedroom. How can I get him to stop comparing her to me?

There should be a special circle in hell for all of the men out there who complain about not getting it on when their pregnant partners are tossing their cookies every morning. But hey, let's think positively and get down to the real problem, which isn't about sex at all, but communication, says therapist Robert Klopfer, who codirects the Stepping Stones Counseling Center in Ridgewood, New Jersey.

Obviously, your husband is unhappy. You might be tempted to just yell, "Oh yeah? So why'd you leave your ex if she was so great?" But it would probably be more productive to calmly point out that his comparisons aren't just hurtful but also counterproductive, since you're the one between the sheets. Klopfer suggests that you talk about what makes you both happy in your marriage. What do you enjoy doing together? What do you love most about each other? How do you imagine your future as a family? Then ask your husband to reveal--gently, please--his disappointments about the relationship. If it's only sex that makes him unhappy, then get him to be specific. Was he satisfied with your sex life before you were pregnant? If so, what's different now? If he's just worried that you're not making love as often, remind him that you won't always feel this lousy. In their second trimester many women perk up, and some become even more passionate than they were before pregnancy.

The key, says Klopfer, is that you need to talk about the strengths and weaknesses of your own marriage without comparing it to anything you had before.

I joined a gym after my son was born, and I've noticed that every time I finish my step class, I'm not just sweaty, but really hot, if you know what I mean. Can exercise lift your libido? If so, how can I give myself the same erotic feelings at night when my husband's home?

Oh, yes, exercise definitely boosts a lot more than a sagging butt! We've known for ages that working out ratchets up flexibility, stamina, heart health, and peace of mind. Now researchers report that physical exercise also improves circulation to all parts of the body, including the pelvic region and genitals, and elevates hormone levels. In a recent University of Texas study of women ages 18 to 34, a short session of aerobic exercise increased blood flow to the vagina by 169 percent, and the women experienced a sexual response shortly after workouts.

To coordinate your postexercise friskiness with when your husband is home, simply take your gym class later in the day. Or, if that's not possible, do an aerobic activity during the early evening hours to get your blood flowing. Take a walk, ride a bike, or climb the stairs of your house a few times. Then take a hot shower to retain your body's heat and focus. Even better, if your husband can put the kids to bed while you're exercising, you can invite him to share your shower!

My husband and I have a running argument over how many times a week is normal for couples to have sex. He thinks most married couples have intercourse maybe five times a month, tops, while I think it's more like 15 to 20 times a month. Is he just being a spoilsport, or am I a nympho? Honestly, I think we used to have sex more frequently before the baby.

Given our sex-saturated culture, you're forgiven for thinking everyone's having more sex than you are. But the real truth is that your husband's estimate is a lot closer to the mark. It's likely that most couples with children relegate sex to the status of a Saturday night special or a Monday morning delight, depending on when they can find that lucky trio of time, desire, and energy. Statistics support this: The average mean frequency of sex between married partners is 6.9 times monthly, says Edward O. Laumann, PhD, coeditor of Sex, Love, and Health in America (University of Chicago Press, 2000). According to Dr. Laumann, people may fantasize about having sex more often, but sex is a pretty routine and subordinated activity in most marriages because people have other things to do with their time.

Now, having said all that to reassure you that the rest of the world isn't getting it on while you twiddle your thumbs in front of the TV, it does seem like your husband's sex drive could use a recharge. From your question, it appears as though your dissatisfaction with the frequency of sex is a recent development. If so, consider the possible causes: Is your husband more worried about finances now that you've started a family? Is he resentful about losing his personal freedom now that fatherhood weighs heavily on his shoulders? For many men, as for women, an adjustment period dogs the heels of parenthood. If he's experiencing anxiety, depression, or repressed anger due to recent life changes, his drooping sex drive may be a symptom. Addressing those issues (with the help of a therapist if necessary), and encouraging him to have a medical evaluation to rule out any physical causes for his sleepy libido, will probably improve both the quality and quantity of your lovemaking.

The information on this Web site is designed for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your pediatrician or family doctor. Please consult a doctor with any questions or concerns you might have regarding your or your child's condition.

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